I actually wrote this Sunday evening, but given that I'm not convinced my boyfriend isn't monitoring my computer at home, I never log into my blog from my home PC!

Sunday, 7pm I wrote:

He's in a mood again. I don't know why. He started having a go at me over dinner, implying that I drink to much. FFS! I've already given up smoking for him, and I've even stopped having friends and going out because it usually leaves him in a mood.

What's happened to me? When did I become so alone and so afraid of having fun on my own?When did I become such a disgustingly horrible person? What's wrong with me? I 've tried my best. I cook him meals, do most the cleaning, sort out all the bills, organise the shopping, give him cuddles and attention all the time, and don't even complain that 99.9% of the time it's only him that comes during sex (!). I have tried my very best, and even after all that, I'm still a worthless piece of shit. I don't think I can do any more. OK, maybe I could be a little bit more tidy, but no one's perfect. I must be missing the point here. Someone who does so much for their boyfriend and still can't please him must be a dreadful person. There must be something wrong with me.

Am I arrogant? Do I just presume people like me, but in reality they just regard me as a vague human existance? I mean, I wonder how many people are actually thinking about me now? Nonw I guess... All bar my parents and maybe my brother, I very much doubt any one would miss me that much if I just disappeared.

I must therefore conclude that I'm somewhat a failure in life.